My Mental Health Journal

Feels like an age since I last wrote on here. I questioned whether to carry on after my last blog after some abuse, so decided back then I wouldn’t bother. I was abused again on social media the other day but this time I’m not going to stay quiet. Staying silent after being abused is like letting them think they have won. I’m not letting them win this time. I’m going to use their abuse as fuel to keep going. You’re not winning this time.

Abuse of any kind is never nice. Trolls out there on social media who have nothing better to do than send out abusive messages to those that are vulnerable. Some comments really got to me the other night, hurtful comments too from those who I thought were there fighting my corner. People who I’ve reached out to in the past for help, people I’ve confided in. Others who have jumped on the bandwagon and had something to say when the truth is they know absolutely nothing about what I’m going through. What really gets me about trolls is their words could be more harmful to those who are weaker. Words that could well tip someone over the edge. Those words could well be the last thing someone reads and it has to stop. If any trolls are reading this just think about what damage you could be doing to someone.

No one truly knows what has happened to me these past few months. I’ve kept things to myself because of them being personal issues that I’m trying to work through. I’m also working on my mental health issues too. Getting my anxiety under some sort of control and stepping out of my comfort zone more and more. Ok, I have days when I struggle with that but on the whole the past few weeks has been a massive improvement for me. I’ve started to get out the house more, focusing more on my breathing and trying to stay calm and so far it’s really helping. At one point this week I even walked into a store and didn’t give it a second thought about what was going to happen. I can’t begin to describe how good that felt. It was like a part of the old me had returned and felt normal again. It’s a work in progress but I’m getting more brave with the challenges I’m setting myself. I’m still having the regular weekly sessions at the Sanctuary Cafe in town, some one to one therapy which is enabling to get things off my chest and get some help and support. It’s been really helpful and I’m sure going there each week is making a difference. I am, however, still waiting for the high intensity CBT to start but I was told at the time there is a long waiting list for that so need to be patient. I’m sure once that starts along with the sessions I’m having at Sanctuary, things will improve massively for me.

As for my depression, when I am on top of my anxiety my mood lifts. I feel proud of myself for pushing my boundaries. My main issue is when I spend too much time on my own. The overthinking doesn’t help with my depression. I sit here and start to worry about my future, that in turn kicks me in the stomach. I wake up some days and still struggle to get out of bed. None of which is helped by my current situation. I am working on that, things are going slowly but I guess these things can’t be rushed.

Onto some positive news, I’ve recently had my DBS check completed as I applied to become a volunteer with the Wolves foundations Head4Health project. A project that did so much for me the last time I attended it. A project that I very much want to give something back to for all the help and support it offered me. It saved me back them and if I can become a volunteer and help someone else then it will all be worth it.

I’m still fighting, still determined to overcome all of my issues. Still trying to smile and have a laugh and a joke and not to dwell on the negativity. I will get there, it’s a fight I’m not prepared to lose. Not now.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. If I’ve helped you in any way then it’s all worth it. I will leave you with this until next time, “In every negative, it is possible to find a positive. Sometimes it is hard to find, but don’t give up looking for it.”

Stay strong and remember to be kind, always. 💚