I haven’t written for awhile as there are things going on in my life that has had a huge impact, especially going forward. I’m still not ready to write about it, still not ready to accept that this is it. I’ve tried to keep going as best I can but the truth is on the inside I’m broken, broken in a way I can’t ever see myself recovering from this. Life just won’t be the same anymore. Where do I go from here?
The whole point of this blog was to write about my mental health and the struggles I have with it on a daily basis. I’m still fighting a daily battle with it. To be honest I don’t think you ever overcome it, I think you just learn to deal with it better so that when a bad episode strikes you are able to handle it better than you would’ve done previously. I’m still on my medication but I’m beginning to think it’s clouding my true feelings as my emotions are all over the place. I’ve had around 3 sessions of high intensity CBT which isn’t really doing much just yet. Yes I’m completing tasks set by my therapist and it is helping with my anxiety. I’m able to get out more and do more things that I was months ago. I think it’s the depression side of my mental health that I’m still suffering with. I’m still regularly attending the emotional and well-being support at the Sanctuary Cafe in town every week but there’s only so much they can do. I have a psychiatric nurse looking into my medication at the end of this month but I’m thinking of telling them I no longer wish to be on any kind of anti depressants, I don’t think they are doing anything for me as this is the fourth different one I’m currently on. I have previously tried Citalapram, Mirtazapine, Setraline and now my current one Venlafaxine. Another issue came today as during an appointment with the nurse to have my ears syringed she wanted to do a blood pressure check while I waited. It turned out my blood pressure was sky high and was immediately requested to have a 24 hour blood pressure monitor fitted. I’ve never had it in life. I’m guessing with everything that’s gone on recently its hardly surprising, but still really worrying for me. I’m hoping it’s nothing serious.
Anyway, I have also started to get back into playing football, I’ve been twice and despite it feeling daunting it was good to get back into some exercise, good for the endorphins as someone said to me. I’m hoping it will also build my confidence of being around actual people again, to be able to strike up conversations and not let the anxiety stop me from doing so. It’s a small step but maybe it will help me move on.
Not much of a blog this time, it’s hard to write when you feel upset about things that are going on. I will one day be able to talk about the other thing going on in my life but right now it’s all still too raw and too emotional to even think about. It’s difficult to see how I move on from this, or even if it’s possible.
I want to thank those who have been there to help and support me. Your messages of support has been a big help to me. I don’t think I’d have gotten this far without the support of those who have been there for me.
Sometimes it will seem like every day is a bad day, but if you keep fighting you’ll have good days again.