My Mental Health Journal

A lot has happened since my last blog, some bad moments that I’ve not felt like putting down in black and white until now. It’s been a couple of weeks of sinking to new lows even for me.

Friday 17th of June started like any other day, waking up feeling the same as I do any other morning, wishing I hadn’t woke up. It’s a horrible feeling waking up with this dread in your heart each day but that’s how it’s been for me for some time now. I didn’t sleep well again the night before, tossing and turning as well as overthinking. Anyway my wife got home after another gruelling day, it was a hot day too if I remember rightly so she was hot and bothered. I won’t go into detail as that’s private but we ended up having a heated argument which led to me picking up my car keys and just storming out of the house. I got into my car and the way I was feeling at that point I only had one thing on my mind. To smash my car at full speed into the nearest wall I could find. I was in a fit of rage with tears streaming down my face. Had a police car been nearby I’d have been done for speeding that’s for sure. Somehow, to this day, I have no idea how I ended up on the car park of a nearby pub sobbing my heart out down the phone to some guy from the Samaritans. Quite scary to think that you can do something or go somewhere and have absolutely no idea how you got there. I talked to this guy for about 45 minutes, explaining what had happened and how I’d had enough. He managed to calm me down enough for me to think a bit more clearly. Dreaded going home though as I left under a cloud. We sat and talked it through a little and things seemed to me a little better.

Just over a week later my mental health was really hitting a dark place. I was beginning to struggle to keep things in, it was all getting too much for me, like a bottle of fizzy pop that had been shaken up so much it was ready to explode. That’s how my mind felt on this particular day. Things came out that day that I had been holding back for months, trying to protect the person from being upset, hiding it because maybe it was my mind playing tricks on me or something else entirely, I just don’t know why. Anyway it all came out, forced out of me as it was beginning to show. A lot of tears, pain and anger ended up with there being a phone call to a mental health helpline. Things couldn’t go on the way they have been so the call was made. After many questions later I was given an appointment to be seen by the mental health crisis team at a nearby hospital. This was needed now as the medication and advice from my doctor just wasn’t doing anything for me anymore.

So yesterday was my assessment with the mental health crisis team. Something I wasn’t really looking forward to, so anxious on the morning leading up to it, I even said at one point that I can’t go ahead with it, I’m wasting my time, their time etc because I’m a lost cause. All those thoughts were running through my mind during that nervous morning. I pushed on and made it to the hospital for my appointment, my wife came with me for support, which after what has gone on recently, she didn’t have to. My assessment lasted around 45 minutes and I was asked all sorts of questions by two ladies, mental health workers I guess you call them, I don’t know their proper title. I struggled at first to talk, I couldn’t stop shaking, my breathing made me feel like I wasn’t going to get the words out but eventually I did start to open up. Explained how it all started, how I’d got to the point that led me to call the helpline in the first place etc. They wanted to know if I could keep myself safe and asked about any suicidal thoughts I’d had and what the likelihood was of me acting out on those thoughts. I want to get better, yes there have been times recently that I’ve thought about it a lot more but I need to keep fighting.

After plenty of questions and me opening up to them more and more it was decided that the best course of action for my mental health would be to refer me for some face to face therapy sessions. They also said they would write to a psychiatric nurse to see what advice they can give on the medication I am taking. They said sometimes once a doctor has prescribed several different antidepressants they hit a bit of a brick wall and so write to these people for advice on medication. I was also told about a cafe, the Sanctuary cafe in the town near me. They offer a place where people that are struggling can go in, have a cuppa etc and have a chat with others who are also struggling. I would like to give this a try as it will also help get me out of the house. I came out of there at the end of my assessment not sure how to feel. A bit unsure but relieved that I went and took the first step. I’m just hoping I can push on now with these face to face sessions and really get some benefit from them. After all, they helped me last time.

I’m going to look at this now as the start of a new beginning for me. A step towards a brighter future and the hope that I can get things back to how they once were. There’s a long road ahead but there’s now a determination in me to get the most out of this and get myself in a better head space.

Let’s do this! 💚