My Mental Health Journal

I get messages on social media regarding my mental health, asking me why I spend so much time going over my past, thinking of what could have been, what I’ve done etc, instead of looking forward to the future. The truth is as I sit here writing this, I don’t really have anything to actually look forward to. I’m thinking hard now, trying to think of what I have to look forward to and my mind is just a blank. Do you think I want to feel like this? No I do not. I hate the thought of having nothing to look forward to. Depression clouds your mind with darkness, strips away at anything positive you have in your life, that’s how it feels to me anyway.

My wife and I had a row yesterday, she was reading through my comments about my mental health, felt like she was having a go at me because my comments to her came across as giving no regard to my family or loved ones. Yes, maybe I’m not the best with words and getting my thoughts and feelings across but it’s my family and friends that are keeping me going, without them I’d have already taken myself out of the situation. I find it hard to get my point across to those closest to me, I struggle to talk to my wife, my mom, my dad and anyone else close to me. Whether that’s because I don’t want to burden them with anymore crap or what I don’t know. There are things going on inside my head that I can’t even begin to explain so how am I meant to tell others how I feel? Someone suggested I go away, take myself away to escape the same scenery, the same four walls, to focus and clear my mind and hopefully come back a better person. A change is as good as a rest maybe. Where do I go? I can’t afford to anyway. I wish I knew the answers.

So back to my future, I have no idea what lies ahead. Ideally I want to either be rid of my depression and anxiety or be able to cope with it, learn to deal with it better. I want to get back into work, just as much as I want rid of my mental health. I take my hat off to those that suffer with mental health and go to work daily, you are inspiring and you are so strong for doing so. As dark as my mind is at times, I do want a future, my god I really do. A life where I can be happy and content again. Be around friends and family and not having to feel like I’m having anxiety at the thought of being around them. To work, meet new people, new friends and feel like I’m part of something again. I’m not getting any younger and seeing people around my age enjoying life, going on holidays, living theirs lives as best they can. I’m missing out on so much and I know there’s only me that can break out of this.

I’ll continue to fight. Its about all I can do right now. 💚