My Mental Health Journal

My battles with Mental Health

Well, this is shit!

I haven’t written for a few days. Haven’t felt the need but today is one of those days when I feel that I have a lot to get out of my head.

Sometimes it all gets too much, the thoughts I have in my mind fill my head with all sorts of crap. Is this all my life is going to be? Will I ever escape this nightmare? Would I be better off taking my own life? What’s the point of waking up each day? Etc etc. I just sit there some days and feel like screaming the place down but what would that achieve? Probably nothing.

I’m trying each day to find a way of breaking the routine but lately all I can think about is ‘what’s the point?’ I have recently started cycling again. I signed up to the Cancer Research UK charity cycle ride, cycling 300 miles in the month of June, all to raise money for this incredible charity. I did the same thing a few years ago, raised over £500 for cycling 200 miles. It’s going OK so far, I’m on track to reach my target and also its giving me a purpose, something to focus on. Something I’ve not had for a long time. My body aches though, I’m trying to rest as much as I can between sessions. That time resting though is only leading to more overthinking.

Sleeping is still a big problem, I can’t switch off when I go to bed. I lay there and my mind decides it’s time to go into overdrive. I’ve tried listening to podcasts or some music to distract me from thinking but it doesn’t seem to work. Then there’s the pain from my shoulder, it’s just constant. Some days it’s worse than others but last night it was unbearable. Keeping me awake and it’s not helping. I have to go back to my GP and see if there’s any other kind of pain relief I can get.

None of this blog probably makes much sense. But I needed to get a few things down. How do you try and get feelings back that you once had? And will they ever be the same as they once were? There are some things I still can’t talk about, not sure if I ever will. I just don’t know where I go from here.

Not a great deal written down after all. It’s got some things out of my mind atleast.

Darren’s Mental Health

6 responses to “Well, this is shit!”

  1. Jonathan (JR on twitter) avatar
    Jonathan (JR on twitter)

    Hi mate, always good just to get your thoughts down I think, helps process things a little even if there aren’t any easy answers. I am no expert on mental health and hard to give any useful advice other than let you know regardless of the fact we have never met I am a PM away from talking if you need someone random to talk to. We share a passion for music and you clearly have a real talent so I am sure we would find some common ground.
    I have been in a dark place before and it took some time to come through it but what i can tell you is that I have come out the other end a much better and happier person and look for the fun in every day. I also lost a close friend to suicide earlier this year and know the devastating impact this has on family and friends left behind. I still kick myself for not seeing the signs and being there for him and would do anything for a chance to have helped him. It is never the answer no matter how bad things get.
    Try not to beat yourself up and be kind to yourself and know that from what I have seen there are many people who care deeply about you. Stay safe my friend and tomorrow will be a better day

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. Darren's Mental Health avatar
      Darren’s Mental Health

      Thank you so much for you comment mate, I really appreciate you taking time out to reply to my blog. We should meet up and have a coffee and a chat mate. My DMs are always open on twitter too if you ever need a chat, any time about anything. Sorry to hear about your friend, I can totally relate to that as a friend of mine took his own life last year, no warning, no one knew what he was going thru. He always messaged me to say if I needed to talk he was there for me. I had no idea he was struggling.

      I’m still fighting, still doing all I can to keep going. I haven’t given up yet because I keep telling myself it can’t always be like this.

      Thanks again mate, good to hear from you 👍🏻

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  2. Mama Games avatar
    Mama Games

    I feel this way 90% of the time and I never thought that I would ever be depressed or suffer from PTSD. I would tell my husband who has been in a deep depression for years “ what is so wrong with your life you have everything you could ever want and yet you are still all sad and lazy and just blah” But now I am eating my words daily and feel awful that I ever said those things because no matter how much i want to be happy or even just be able to sleep I can not.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. Darren's Mental Health avatar
      Darren’s Mental Health

      So sorry to hear this. Best thing to do is to keep talking and never bottle up how you’re feeling. Having your husband there to talk to will be a huge help because he’s going through it too. You will get through it together I promise x

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      1. Mama Games avatar
        Mama Games

        I wish that was the case. My last post explains the trauma I went through but my husband has been in a depression for years and barely Talks to any of us and when he does he just ends up yelling.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Darren's Mental Health avatar
        Darren’s Mental Health

        I will get around to reading your posts, I’ve just had so much to deal with lately and it’s put me in a darker place than I already was. I’m sorry your husband is like that, sometimes it’s anger and frustration because I have got angry and shouted before because of not being able to explain myself too well.

        Liked by 1 person

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