My Mental Health Journal

My battles with Mental Health

A bad day!

This might be a little bit depressing to read so I’m warning you now before you go any further.

Woke up feeling crap this morning, another day of the same old shit. Just wanting to hide under the duvet and escape from the world. I’ve had a few good days recently but today just hit me hard, reminding me that my problems are still there. I felt lost, worthless, like I no longer have anything to offer anyone. I haven’t felt like that for a few weeks and I’ve no idea what triggered it. I decided to get up, washed and dressed and hopefully feel a bit better for doing so. It didn’t work. Instead I just sat there and began to cry. A 48 year bloke crying for no reason. Maybe it’s a release of some sort. I couldn’t seem to stop crying either, puffy eyes like a child crying in a school playground. Sobbing uncontrollably. Fed up of this life, fed up of trying to just get through another day with the same shit thoughts running through my mind. The thoughts of ending my life have returned again, thinking it would be better off me not being around anymore. Yes my family would be hurting but time is a healer, they’d soon get over it. All these thoughts in my head, all because I’m sat here overthinking. It’s horrible being alone with so much time on your hands.

Yesterday I tried to keep myself busy, workout followed by doing the garden, only to have an accident and take a strimmer to my ankle, but that’s another story for another time. I need more of that, more to occupy my mind and stop the thoughts from taking over.

I need something in my life to focus on. Having that will help my mental health. It’s just trying to combat my anxiety and get something, whether that’s a job or doing something voluntary. I’m going to have to push myself harder, step out of my comfort zone and find something to do, something that takes up the whole day.

Time for bed, I hope I can sleep a bit better tonight and hopefully wake up tomorrow in a much better frame of mind. We shall see. 💚

Darren’s Mental Health

2 responses to “A bad day!”

  1. daisyx8100 avatar
    daisyx8100

    I’m sorry you had such a bad day. With depression sometimes there are just horrible days. They aren’t caused by anything, they just suck. Those seem to be the worst. At least if you know what’s causing it you can try to work on whatever it is. There is nothing wrong with crying and expressing your emotions. It’s so much better than holding it in, and letting it pile up. If you’re having a bad time you can always reach out to me. I know you feel like you’d be bothering me, but I promise you wouldn’t be. I know there are many others that feel the same way.

    As for your family getting over it if you were gone, we both know that isn’t true. That is pain they would carry and have to live with till they die. Would life go on for them, of course, but it would be a life that is not as full or happy as it could be. And as hard as suicide of a loved one is, it is so much harder for a child/grandchild to deal with….especially when they are still kids. No matter how old and wise they get, there will always be that inner child that wonders why they didn’t matter enough for their parent/grandparent to stick around. I get that rationally that is not the case. But you need to remember that not only is it hard for adults to get through a loved one committing suicide, but we are talking about kids. Their brains are not yet fully developed, and even in the case of your daughter, will not be for multiple years. I have witnessed first hands lives DESTROYED by a loved one committing suicide. People turning to alcohol, drugs, you name it, just to try to cope. People struggling with years of mental health problems caused by that loss. Relationships destroyed. Jobs lost. Schooling quit. You name it. It is not a ripple in the lives of family members, it is a tsunami. I am not trying to make you feel bad, but you need to realize your family would not just eventually be ok. They would not just be able to move on. They themselves have let you know they want and need you here. If you are not in a place where you want to go on for yourself, you go on for them, till you get to a place that you want to go on for yourself. Again, I’m sorry if I am sounding harsh, and I’m not trying to make you feel bad. I’m sorry. I feel like an ass for writing all that….but I also felt it needed to be said (even though I know that you already know it).

    As for being alone, I get it. I spend 20-22 hours a day alone, and have for over 10 years now. It really is about learning to find things to do. Being open to trying new things, even if they seem ridiculous or pointless. I know I’ve told you of some of the random things I decided to learn in the past. Currently, along with my usuals of watching sports, painting, and reading, I’ve started to teach myself to speak/read Ukrainian. I suck at learning languages, so it’s slow going. My mom pointed out to me today that she feels it’s completely pointless, since I don’t actually know a single person that speaks Ukrainian. My response was, “but I might someday,”. So, do I really have a need to learn it? No. I figure it can’t ever hurt to learn a new language, and maybe I will use it someday. Who knows. Maybe I’ll just use it to understand lyrics to the songs I’m listening to….maybe I’ll travel there someday….who knows. The point is, even something that seems pointless, if it fills your time, and maybe even makes you happy or proud of yourself for learning something new, it’s worth it. You might try things that you end up not enjoying. That’s ok, just move on to something else. You never know where it will lead you. I love to read. This week had been a really bad one for me. I’ve been in that place of not wanting to go on. Of sitting and thinking of having to write out instructions for my mom on how to use different social media so she could notify people of my death. No worries, I wasn’t actually going to do it….I promised my cats when I rescued them as kittens that I’d be here for their whole lives. But I’ve still been in that place. So, I realized I needed to find something…..anything….to do. To get my mind off of all the depressed thoughts. I’m in the middle of 2 books, but they are both books/series I’ve read multiple times, so I was struggling to read them again. Luckily for me I have spent YEARS being a book nerd, and that includes buying hundreds upon hundreds of books really cheap at library book sales. So I went to my bookcases and decided to try an author I haven’t read yet (even though I own tons of her books). Next thing I knew it was a few hours later, and I couldn’t put the book down. She’s written over 140 books. I was like, welp, can’t end things till I read these books! That night I watched Death on the Nile, and realized I have never actually read Agatha Christie, so after I finish the author I just started, I need to try her books….can’t end it till after that, now can I?!?! I find little things to not only fill my time, but also give me something to keep me going. A reason to push through, whether it’s for years, months, weeks, or on bad days, just till tomorrow. On really bad days, just something to keep me going for a few minutes if necessary. After that few minutes, I can try to push through for a few more. Eventually I’ll get through the day, and hope the next day is better. Most days it is….some it is not. So I just have to push through that one too. Eventually I will get to a day that is better than the last. There are great days, good days, bad days, and complete total shit days. The shit days will always be hard, but you will get to a point where you learn to manage them better. I know it’s so hard. I’ve dealt with it my whole life, so I don’t know anything else. I can’t even imagine how hard it is for you to suddenly be dealing with depression and anxiety. I can only imagine how hard it is to know what life is/was like without mental health problems. I’m so sorry you are having to go through this. Know that all of us that are watching your journey can see that you are making progress, even if you can’t. You are having more good days than you used to. You are working on learning ways to manage the bad days. You are teaching yourself and your brain new skills to deal with what you are going through. I know on bad days it is so hard to see the positives, but they are there. As I said above, if you ever need anything, even just someone to talk about random bullshit with, to distract your brain, I’m here. I promise you wouldn’t be bothering me! Also know that I’m really proud of you! You’re going through such a hard time, but you’re fighting, growing, and helping others along the way. You’re an amazing man, and my life is better for knowing you, and much better with you around and in it!!!! ❤

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    1. Darren's Mental Health avatar
      Darren’s Mental Health

      Thank you so so much for your comment Christina, those last few sentences really touched me to the point where I shed a few tears. I don’t know what else to say but thank you for being there. You are a truly wonderful friend to have around and my life is better knowing you’re in it. Lots of love to you ❤️

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