My Mental Health Journal

My battles with Mental Health

When will it end?

It doesn’t seem to matter how much or how hard I keep fighting, I still have those thoughts in my head that I’d be better off not being here at all. Sick and tired of having those thoughts, those dark depressing thoughts that I don’t belong here and there’s no point living like this. Take the other night, I had a great night, overcome my anxiety about attending a game, walked in on my own, got through a packed concourse area and eventually to my seat and felt fantastic but then the next day had one almighty crash, just felt such a low, as if the night before never happened. What the fuck is that all about? I’m just at a loss as to why this keeps happening. Why I can have such a good day but then follow it up with several bad ones? Makes no sense to me.

I need to start getting out more, mixing with people again. Social media at the moment is the only way I communicate with others. So many have offered to meet me, be there for me, even just for a quick chat. I need to start being strong enough to say ok, I’ll meet you etc. I know my wife must get pissed off with me, sick and tired of me being on social media a lot. The thing is, back when I first started to suffer with depression and anxiety and not long after I lost my job, the people I thought were real friends just disappeared. People I thought I could always count on just dropped off the face of the earth. Texting them and not hearing back from them hurt. We’re they really true friends or just work colleagues? Only a handful of those people have kept in touch so any kind on interaction with friends on social media matters to me. These people are the ones I now call my friends because they are there for me during my darkest hour. They’ve stuck by me.

I didn’t want to post a blog tonight because of how low I’m feeling but I needed to get this out of my head, these fucking horrible thoughts that are constantly there trying to overwhelm me. I have to remain strong. Strong enough to hold off those voices in my head telling me I serve no purpose in this life so might as well do everyone a favour and fuck off. I need to keep going for my family but more importantly for me. I have to keep believing things will change! 💚

Darren’s Mental Health

2 responses to “When will it end?”

  1. daisyx8100 avatar
    daisyx8100

    I’m sorry you’re in such a bad place right now. I’ve been there. It’s a horrible place. The only thing keeping you going is your loved ones. You wish you could just go to sleep and not wake up, because then it would be over, but nobody could blame you because it was natural causes. Being tired all the time….and being tired of being tired. Crying because it just won’t end. No light in sight. It hurts. It’s so flipping painful. *sighs* I know it’s hard to believe when you’re in it, but it will get better. I can’t tell you when, but it will. I know that doesn’t help or make it easier. 😦 Until then you just have to keep pushing through and fighting. The high points, like you had the other night, are usually followed by a crash. You have a great night, feel like, “This is it! Things are changing!”….then you wake up the next day and that high has faded. You come crashing down, and question everything. Try to remember and realize these moments have been coming more frequently for you. It might be hard for you to see it, but things are slowly getting better. You’re going out more, and giving a big f you to your anxiety every time you do! You didn’t get here overnight, and it will take time to pull yourself back out of it…..but you are pulling yourself out! In the mean time, try to hold on to the good moments like they are your life raft! Remember that you will have more, and as time goes on they will happen more frequently! You are so much stronger than you realize…and yes, I understand you don’t feel that way. But you are! Also know that it’s ok to scream, cry, whatever you need when things are bad. During those times, keeping reaching out to others! We will do all we can to help pull you through the darkness!

    I know how much it hurts to have people you thought cared about you just disappear. I could give you the whole you’re better off without people like that line (which technically is true), but it doesn’t ease the pain. I don’t have any answers for that sadly, so I’ll just say I’m so sorry you are dealing with people doing that. It won’t ease the pain they caused, but just try to remember it says more about them than you! The people in your life that truly love and care about you aren’t going anywhere! ❤

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    1. Darren's Mental Health avatar
      Darren’s Mental Health

      Thank you so much for your comment love, always very much appreciated and always grateful for your support, it means a lot ❤️❤️

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