My Mental Health Journal

My battles with Mental Health

Another late night!

Haven’t written one of these for a few days. How can I write about my mental health struggles when there are far worse things going on in this world? Those innocent people over in the Ukraine having to deal with that every day. It’s so unfair.

I need to write this though, to help get this out of my mind. I need this to try and help me be a better person, to somehow feel like the old me again. To let others who are struggling see that they’re not alone.

I had my daughter stay over this week as she had a week off from college. Its been a mixed bag of emotions with her this week. Ended on a high though, we had alot of laughs on her last night here. Felt like the old days when we had a laugh together. I actually felt normal for once. Felt like the Dad I used to be, like I had something to live for, if that makes any sense? I don’t think I’ve been a great Dad in the past, don’t ask me why, I just think I could’ve done better. I have and always will love he though, she’s my little girl. I miss her when she’s gone back though.

Been stressed out recently as it’s time for my PIP to be reviewed. Filling out forms explaining how useless you are isn’t great, I just end up feeling worse than I already do. My wife ended up filling it in for me. Honestly, I wish I never had to ask for financial help but we can’t live on just my wife’s income. All of this is so stressful and doesn’t help matters. I wish I could turn back the clock and be back in the job I used to love. I hate not working, I hate it. I feel so worthless and it’s not good for me. Anxiety is stopping me from not only living but also from getting out there to find work. Unless you suffer with it you won’t understand how much it cripples you. I can’t go on like this much longer, something needs to change. The sooner the better.

Darren’s Mental Health

4 responses to “Another late night!”

  1. daisyx8100 avatar
    daisyx8100

    I’m assuming PIP for you guys is the equivalent of what we call Social Security Disability (just Disability for short) over here. Those forms are the worst! Luckily I only have to get my case reviewed about every 3 years, so I don’t have to do them every year! I’ve never been able to do them by myself. My mom helps me with most of it, I’ve had a friend that knows me really well help with some answers, and when all else fails there is a wonderful woman at my local disability support office that helps when I have certain questions I just can’t answer. I will go in, we talk about the questions, and she fills it out for me. I’m going to assume a lot of people struggle with filling them out, so don’t feel bad about it! My mom also dreads them because at some point during filling them out I have a full meltdown. Sobbing, going off about things like, “Don’t they know how hard this is and how much worse it makes me feel?!?!”, you name it. We usually have to call it a day at that point and try again once I’ve calmed down. The questions always increase my depression, and waiting to hear if they are going to let me stay on disability is HORRIBLE for my anxiety! I wish I had some great piece of wisdom on how to make it easier, but I don’t….they’re just the worst!

    Since I’m not a parent, I can’t speak from personal experience about what you are feeling. What I can say is every parent I’ve ever been close to says and feels they could have done better. Every parent could tell me all the things they did wrong. I can also tell you though that (excluding horrible parents who do things like hurt their kids), most kids would tell you they wouldn’t trade their parents for anyone else in the world! We all could tell stories of things our parents could have handled better….but in the big scheme of things nobody is a perfect parent, and there are so many things that were done right which outweigh the other stuff.

    I’m just going to call this the “but people have it worse than me” section. This is a horrible path to go down, and one that everyone I’ve ever known with mental health problems goes down. I’ve been going there myself a lot lately, and I always have. It’s a vicious cycle. You feel horrible because of what you are dealing with, you start thinking about how much worse things other people are going through are, you feel guilty, start questioning things like, “what do I have to be so depressed about?!?! At least there aren’t bombs dropping on me! At least I have food on my table! At least….”. Then this in turn makes you more depressed, both in thinking about tragic things people go through, and because you’re full of horrible feeling towards yourself for being depressed in the first place. Again, I’m really good at getting stuck in this cycle. “What do I have to be so depressed about” is in a way our brains making it seem like we have a choice in being depressed. We don’t. Try to remember there will always be people that “have it worse”, but that does not negate what you are going through. Try to remember what you are going through is an illness. No matter how bad someone else’s situation is, you can’t just make yourself better. You can’t “just get over it”. Yes, there are people in a physical war, but you are going through a mental war. You are fighting battles. You are hurting. What they are going through does not lessen what you are going through. ❤

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    1. Darren's Mental Health avatar
      Darren’s Mental Health

      Thank you for such a lovely comment again. You really have a lovely way with words. I take great comfort from your replies and they are always very much appreciated. PIP is Personal Independence Payments. I hate filling the forms in, they make me feel ten times worse. I got so stressed out over it this time though, my wife had to fill it in for me. I don’t think they understand how difficult it is to fill these things in.

      But anyway, I’m so grateful to you for taking time to read my blog and if it helps you in any way them it’s worth continuing. Thank you so much ❤️❤️

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  2. Claire Elliott avatar
    Claire Elliott

    Hi Darren,
    You’ve been doing so well, you’ve been getting out a bit more and watching the football.
    Maybe you’ve realised a lot more people are in the same ‘boat’ as you. Just trying to get by.
    Remember Rome wasn’t built in a day and celebrate every win.

    Also recent govt defeats in court mean you should make sure you are very detailed in your PIP answers into how your journeys anywhere are planned by someone else with the assistance you use to get there.

    Liked by 1 person

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    1. Darren's Mental Health avatar
      Darren’s Mental Health

      Thank you Claire, there are a lot out there struggling which I’m aware of. So much more needs to be done for mental health, whether it’s NHS funding or something else. I’ve had my wife help me fill in my PIP review forms and I’ve just obtained all the information to attach with it from my Doctor, along with my prescription list. Because of my anxiety the way it is I’m now fearing the worst that it will be stopped and its making me feel much worse. I’m not sleeping worrying about it, I think I had about three hours sleep last night in total.

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