My Mental Health Journal

I’m just not feeling right at all tonight, I’m on such a low. I know things have picked up with my anxiety recently and I’m starting to manage it better than I did months ago but I just can’t shift this low mood. Truth is I’m just so unhappy with the way my life is going right now. I’ve wasted so many years with this illness, because that’s what depression is. I wasted so much time trying to get better and to feel normal. It’s been so long I’m not even sure what the old me was like. Years I won’t ever get back. Those dark horrible thoughts came creeping back into my mind just now, those thoughts of not wanting to be here any more. And I know how many will be hurting if I took myself out of the picture but atleast I’d be free of this shit constantly going on inside my head.

I have zero confidence around people, breaking those barriers seems impossible to me now. I never used to be like that. Working as a postman for over 17 years I met thousands of people during that time and would always start up a conversation with them. Now I try and avoid it as much as possible. I just don’t know how to get that back.

Writing these is meant to be helping but not tonight. I’m not even sure I’ll post this one. We shall see. Sorry for the doom and gloom.