My Mental Health Journal

My battles with Mental Health

Same shit…

Different day. Every day is like that for me. Like I’m living a real life Groundhog day. I wake up after a poor night’s sleep, I feel the same as I did the previous day and just I don’t know how to break the cycle. I’ve recently started getting back into some exercise, some boxercise, helps the mind so they say. It helps to take my mind off things a little. I know if I didn’t do that I’d be sitting around with just my thoughts swirling around inside my head, feeling worse than I do already.

I think part of the reason I’m feeling so low is my age, I feel like I’ve wasted so much of my life. 50 in a couple of years and I feel like life is skipping by and I’ve not achieved anything. I look at my brother, he’s had a hugely successful music career, seen the world, played with some incredible artists and won awards. What have I done? Nothing. I’ve been out of work ever since I started suffering with depression and anxiety and it kills me, I never wanted to be that person who never worked. I feel useless, like there’s no real point to my existence anymore. No longer seem to have a purpose in this life of mine but I keep going, somehow, for my wife, my kids, my grandkids.

I’m hoping that in putting all this down in black and white helps somehow.

Darren’s Mental Health

2 responses to “Same shit…”

  1. daisyx8100 avatar
    daisyx8100

    I feel like I should just apologize now, since I’m sure many comments I leave will be WAY too long. 🤦‍♀️ So much that you write hits very close to home. I stopped working and filed for disability in 2011. It can be so hard feeling like you are not contributing. It doesn’t help when people feel/tell you that “you just don’t want to work”, “you’re lazy”, “you must enjoy sitting around doing nothing”, etc. Many tell you to just get over it….I’m sure you, at times, like me, you say to yourself, “why can’t I just get over it?!?!”, even though we know it’s not something you can just get over like flicking a light switch. *sighs* It’s not easy, but try to be kind to yourself. Would you tell me to just get over my mental health problems? No, I’m sure you wouldn’t. So when you think negative things like this to yourself, try to remember to treat yourself as you would treat me and others. I know, it’s not easy. I actually suck at remembering that and being kind to myself. 🤦‍♀️😅 *Insert the do as I say not as I do speech* I does help a bit sometimes though. Helps me to try to be more understanding and kind to myself.
    In 2011, when I stopped working, it was because I had a breakdown. I have dealt with depression my whole life, and other issues since my teens. This was different. For almost the next 8 years, I barely functioned. Many days I didn’t even get up. A lot of time was spent sleeping or crying. I stopped talking to everyone but my mom (I even stopped talking to people online). When the breakdown occurred I didn’t want to live…but I had promised my cats when I rescued the off the street as kittens I would be there, and they would have a home with me for their lives. I entered an intensive outpatient program and literally told them I was going to kill myself….probably in about 17 years. You should have seen their faces….
    Them: So…you’re suicidal
    Me: Yes
    Them: ….in 17 years?!?!
    Me: My cats are 3. I hope they live to be at least 20. So yes, in about 17 years. I need you guys to help me keep living till then. 🤦🏼‍♀️
    I was there for about 4 months. They wanted me to go inpatient, but I wouldn’t, so they kicked me out of the program. I guess that’s when I decided I could “live” for my cats by simply being alive, so I stopped functioning. Not on purpose, but it’s what happened. As long as I was there they had a home, they could lay with me, and I could pet them. I just needed to survive for as long as they lived. It was 8 years of a horrible existence. My best friend says I left the world of the living.
    It was not even a year before the pandemic that I started to try to pull myself out of it and “return to the world of the living”. Obviously the pandemic has not been helpful. (I swear I have a point and I’m getting to it!)
    When I started trying to pull myself out of it, I was almost 40. One thing that has been very hard to deal with was realizing I wasted almost a decade I will never get back. Even before those years, what have I accomplished???? One thing I have had to work on, in regards to both, is changing the way I look at things.
    In regards to wasting years of my life….I did. There is no other way to describe it. BUT, I am not dead. I had to realize I could either waste more time beating myself up, and being devastated about it, or I could just accept it, and try to change the future. It happened, it’s over, I can’t change it. Nothing I do will every change it. It is a slow process. Sometimes I slip. There are definitely times (a lot of times if I’m being honest) I still beat myself up over it. There are a lot of times I feel I’m not doing enough. But I’m trying. I was not before. I am doing things like teaching myself to do stuff I always wanted to do, but thought I couldn’t. Nothing huge, but it’s something. I know you feel like it is too late, but the only time it becomes too late is when you are gone. As long as you are here, there are options and possibilities. You never know what is around the next corner.
    As for being successful….I have really come to believe that society sets us up to look at this wrong. Success is seen in very specific ways, and if you don’t achieve certain things, then you are not successful. But what if you look at success through different eyes. Being a good parent/grandparent, that is successful. That video your granddaughter sent you….that video had me in tears. What you are doing now, in regards to your mental health….you are fighting. It’s hard, it hurts, it’s exhausting, but you keep fighting. Yes, you stumble and fall along the way, but you keep fighting. And you are sharing it with others. You are showing others they are not alone. You are talking about things many people don’t want to talk about. You are letting people know it’s ok to talk about it, and ask for help. These things are hard, especially for men. I’m sure you will never know just how many lives you are impacting. You are bravely putting your story out there. You could literally save lives. It may not be societies definition of a success. But maybe that is part of the problem. You should be proud of what you are doing. And nobody knows what tomorrow holds. You don’t know what is in your future. I get not feeling successful, and even feeling like a complete failure. I get not living up to expectations set for you. I get feeling you let everyone, including yourself down. Years wasted, things you could have/should have done. But you are and have done other things that are important. Things that have impacted, and are still impacting, those around you, from family, to friends, to strangers. You are making a difference. Helping others/being there for people *should* be seen as some of the most successful things a person can do. I’m not trying to put down things like having a successful career, winning awards, etc., I’m just wanting you to try to see there are other ways to be successful.
    (I’m going to ramble some more, cause at this point, why not. They really need to limit comment size on here to stop people like me from boring the world! 🤦‍♀️)
    I was always very book smart. I skipped a grade, and they wanted me to skip more, but my parents were worried about my social development. I promise you everyone in my life thought I’d be “successful”. I went to one year of college (university), spent most of it partying, then dropped out. I went on to work very low paying jobs in, I guess it would be called the social services field. I spent most of my working years working with developmentally disabled adults, first in a large facility, then later in a group home. In between I spent 2 1/2 years working at an alternative school for children with behavior disorders, learning disorders, mental health problems, and/or children with Autism Spectrum Disorder. I also spent a short time working (while working at the group home) at a veterinary rehab clinic with injured/paralyzed dogs.
    I don’t know a single person, if they were being honest, that would tell you I have been successful in life. But I like to think of the story of the man who was throwing starfish back into the water. When asked why, since he’d never save them all, he replied that he knew that, but for those he could help, to them it mattered. Things like spending multiple months, day in and day out, teaching someone who is developmentally disabled how to put on their own belt….that means nothing to most people or the world at large. But to see them squealing and clapping with joy when they finally get it. To know they are happy at the little bit of independence they gain….it’s huge. Their joy and happiness is gold. And I helped them get there. Or the little 9 year old boy with high functioning autism who got kicked out his school….the boy who showed up having multiple meltdowns a day (usually ending with him trying to throw something at my head 😈🤣). We worked together every day. We boded. I became his 1-on-1 aide. I would watch him outside of school too. We worked so had together to help him learn to function in society. Not as much was out there about high functioning autism back then, so a lot we had to figure out. Then one day, at his house, his mom sent him to go play video games so we could talk. We both ended up sobbing. She wanted to thank me. She said there were so many things she thought her son would NEVER be able to do. So many other people had tried to help him and couldn’t get through….but I had broken through. He was learning how to let people know he was frustrated instead of having a meltdown. He was learning how to interact and have interpersonal relationships. He eventually went back to a normal school, and graduated. He learned to make friends, and they started a garage band that plays Beatles covers at a local coffee house. He’ll probably always live with family, and need some assistance in life. But he’s succeeding….and I played a part in that. If you only look at success as society does, I’m an utter failure. And yet, I helped people. That, to me, is being successful. You are helping people by fighting and sharing your mental health journey/battle. You are starting discussions about the need for more/better mental health care. You are helping others see that they are worth fighting for, and it’s ok to reach out for help. THAT matters. THAT is successful! ❤️
    (And maybe, just maybe, the purpose you are searching for will come out of this. Maybe your purpose is to help others.)

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    1. Darren's Mental Health avatar
      Darren’s Mental Health

      Thank you so much for that insight into. Please never apologise, it doesn’t matter how long or short the comment is. I am so grateful you took time out of your day to leave a comment in the first place. You’ve been thru so much yourself and honestly you are an inspiration. I really do appreciate your comment and thank you for all your support, it really does mean alot to me xx

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