My Mental Health Journal

My Mental Health Story

My Mental Health Nightmare.

Back in 2017 everything around me started to come crashing down. I had been a postman for well over 17 years at the time and enjoyed my job. I worked alongside my wife and it was great. Unfortunately, I had developed arthritis in both feet, on the joints of my big toes to be precise, meaning every step I took became a painful one. After various treatments and steroid injections I was left with only one real option and that was to have toe fusions. It’s an operation where the toe becomes permanently attached to the rest of the foot, a metal plate replacing the joint that’s affected by the arthritis. The pain would cease but could have restricted movement in my feet. My consultant decided it would be best to go with the worst one to start with and see how it goes so I chose my right foot. The op was straightforward and without any problems and recovery time for healing was around 10-12 weeks. My foot needed to be elevated as much as possible and had to wear a protective boot at all times, meaning driving and getting around was difficult but it’s only 12 weeks, I can manage that no problem. I was so wrong. Those 12 weeks became 14 and started a downward spiral to bigger problems, problems I’m still to this day trying to overcome.


14 weeks of being almost completely housebound did nothing for my mental wellbeing, I’d gone from being outside with my job six days a week, walking around 15 miles a day, to staring at the same four walls, day in day out. It felt like I was slowly losing my mind, frustration and anger because I couldn’t do the things I had been doing before my operation. Thinking back now I should never have let it get that bad but for some reason I did. The stress of wondering if I could ever do my job properly again took its toll and that time away recovering made it more and more difficult to go back. Anxiety was now beginning to take over and resulted in more time off work. That led to the start of my depression, something I never thought I’d ever suffer with, I’d always been a pretty laid back person that never let anything to get me. It all came to a head one day, I’d broke down in floods of tears on the stairs, my wife was there and I told her I couldn’t do this anymore and told her I wanted to die. I couldn’t go on feeling like this, feeling completely useless, a worthless waste of space. It was her that got me to finally see my doctor.


My doctor put me on antidepressants, I was reluctant to take them but I was willing to try anything to get out of this mess. My foot was healing all the time but my head was becoming an unravelling mess. I started getting panic attacks whenever we did go out. I’d never had them before and wondered what the hell was going on. I couldn’t breathe, feeling like a huge weight was pressing on my chest, like my heart wanted to explode. It just became easier to stay in the house, those panic attacks felt horrible. A few months of taking these pills didn’t seem to be making a difference so my doctor changed the medication and suggested counselling. The thought of trying to open up and explain my problems to a stranger was daunting but I got reassurance from my wife that they just want to help me get better so I agreed. I was entitled to six free sessions through the NHS.


Six sessions was nowhere near enough time to get to the bottom of my troubles. During this time I was still off work but no longer because of my recovery from my foot operation but because of my depression and anxiety taking over. My counselling sessions ended and not long after I got called into work, my time as a postman was set to end as they decided to give me medical retirement. I was reluctant to do so and even to this day I still have doubts whether doing so was the right thing to do. I can understand why they did it, I was still really struggling with my mental health and couldn’t give a time frame as to when I would be back. May 2018, the job I’d had for what had now been over 17 years was at an end. What the hell am I going to do now? Yes the payout was a healthy one and would see us through until I could overcome this problem and get back into work. Or so I thought.


I may have still been a bit naive towards mental health, thinking a few of the right pills would sort me out and I’d be back working before long. How wrong I was. My head felt trapped, that voice inside my head telling me I’m of no use to anyone, a worthless human being that offers nothing in this life. Am I ever going to be part of the workforce again? Is anyone going to want to employ a person that’s now in his 40s that suffers with mental health? All these thoughts and questions to this day still come into my mind.


During all this time my relationship with my daughter became more and more distant. She lives with her mom after we got divorced while she was still very young. I still saw her every weekend without fail until the problems with my head started affecting things with her. By this time she had become a typical stroppy teenage girl and looking back because if my issues, they seemed to be a hundred times worse than they probably were. I caught her sending text messages back to her mom saying how much she hates it when she’s over here and lost it. I didn’t want her around me anymore. But it’s not me, I love her with all my heart, she’s my flesh and blood and miss her every day. The problems with her though run deeper than my mental health for which I won’t go into because I wanted to write this to highlight my issues with depression and anxiety.


I think it was around 2019 I somehow got the courage to apply for a job and got an interview. I hadn’t had one for a long long time but knew if I could get through this it could be a game changer and get back to some kind of normality. The morning of my interview I felt OK, I was somehow staying calm, got showered, dressed and left the house feeling like I could take this on. It wasn’t until I got to the car park though when it all came to a halt. I suffered one almighty panic attack, sweats, palpitations, not being able to breathe again and unable to get it under control. I couldn’t even get out of the car. I don’t know how but I somehow managed to get control of my breathing and calm down but them broke down in tears again. I started the car and drove home. I couldn’t even do an interview, what chance have I got getting back into work if I can’t even do an interview? My head was all over the place when I got back in the house. My wife was at work and felt so alone. There’s only one way out of this, I can’t do this anymore. I offer absolutely nothing to this life. All those thoughts and more were rattling around in my head at the time. I opened a bottle of Jack Daniels that I had in the house since Christmas. I started drinking it hard, shot after shot and slowly but surely it started to numb the pain of what had happened just an hour or two before. Before I knew it I had all my medication laid out in front of me with what was now half a bottle of JD. I was ready to go, leave this world because there was no point me being here anymore. I’ve since been told I called a couple of people, one of which got in touch with my wife who came racing home from work and stopped me from doing something stupid. I sobbed in her arms again, I wanted it all to stop.


Eventually I went back to the doctor and he prescribed a stronger dose of my medication, one of which helped me sleep a lot better than I had been. A few weeks on the new medication and if nothing else I was at least getting some decent sleep which did help. I then spotted something on social media regarding men’s mental health offering free support and advice. I took more notice of it as it was from the WWFC Foundation, part of my beloved football team who I’ve supported for as long as I can remember. The foundation runs a programme called Head4Health, offering help, support and workshops for men over 18 that are suffering with all kinds of mental health issues, big or small. A six week programme with physical activities after each workshop. After a chat with my wife I decided to contact them and see if I could take part. I got an email the very next day saying their next course was coming up and I could go along.


The day arrived for me to attend my first session with Head4Health. However, my anxiety was beginning to kick in again and the voice inside my head telling me not to go. I managed to leave the house but before I got much further I went to find my wife, who was delivering mail nearby, for some reassurance and some support. Had I not been to see her I don’t think I’d have gone. She has been incredibly supportive and so strong through all of this, she really is my rock. I’m so glad I went to see her because I was able to go and it’s the best thing I’d done in a long time. I wasn’t alone there, other guys that were attending had similar issues to myself. The people running the course were so supportive, so understanding and made us feel at ease from day one. Workshops included, improving wellbeing, coping with stress, drug and awareness etc. Each session was followed by some physical activity, something I’d not really done since finishing work. I used to be fit and healthy but because of my foot and the mental issues I’d stopped doing any kind of exercise and therefore gained a bit of weight. I struggled with some of the physical activities at first but it felt good to be finally doing something positive and get my heart pumping again. Over the course of six weeks I was finally getting more and more confident being around people again, feeling a lot less anxious. Having more and more information on how to deal with my mental health and feeling a lot more positive, more than I have done for a long time.


The course eventually ended but they do run weekly drop in sessions that are still available even if you’ve finished the programme. During this time I found out about another programme they do called Wolves in the Park. A weekly session of football for men over 30 to get back into playing football in a relaxed calm environment. I was still slightly anxious about going, not only because of my mental health issues but because I’d not played football since I had my foot operation. I wasn’t sure if the plate in my foot would allow me to take part. On the day of the session I still wasn’t sure if my anxiety would allow me to go. I had a private message on social media from a guy called Jon, who has to this day offered so much support, convinced me to go and I’m so glad I did. A supportive arm around me when I got there was all I needed to get involved and had the best hour and a half I’d had in a long time.


During the Head4Health course I also got put in touch with Wolverhampton Healthy Minds and because of that I started receiving Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Phone call sessions to start with and then face to face. It was all starting to help, I was feeling like I was beginning to gain the tools to help me combat all this, really starting to feel positive again. All that stopped though once the pandemic hit. The football, the CBT. Everything stopped for a lot of us.


My anxiety got worse during lockdown and no matter how hard I tried to get out I couldn’t. It sent me backwards. I never wanted to get like that again, it was like I was back recovering from my operation.


I’ve only recently started to get out a little more, somehow finding the strength to push myself. I’m getting a lot of support from social media, I guess it’s my way of still communicating with the outside world, met so many amazing people who are always there to offer their support. Talking to people who are going through the same mental health issues. It’s those people that keep me fighting and to never wanting to give up. I can’t let this win, I still believe that there is a life for me to enjoy again, I want more than anything else in this world to be back to how I used to be. I hope one day I will be.


Thank you for taking the time to read about my experience of mental health.